The Next Meetings |
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Monday 30th OctoberSt Gabriel's School, Castle Hill
Dianne Hooke and Brendan Jones |
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Monday 6th November
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Melbourne Cup Night
Partners Night
Combined Meeting with RC Glenhaven
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Monday 13th November
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Club Assembly
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Duty Roster
If you are unable to be at the meeting please contact the person doing your role the following week/s, arrange a swap and advise Max, so he can amend his records.
Inside This Issue |
Upcoming Events |
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Note: The above are "safe" links. They merely navigate within this page.
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30th October
6th November
21st November - its a Tuesday
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BBQ at ARV - 12 noon to 2pm
Melbourne Cup Night
Vocational Visit Baulkham Hills TAFE @ 6:15pm
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Club Calendar
Take me to the Club Calendar
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Note: This link goes to another page. At the bottom of that page is a link back to this page.
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Melbourne Cup Night
Combined Partners Night Meeting with Glenhaven Club
Monday 6th November
Springfield House
6.15 for 7.00
Monday 6th November
Springfield House
6.15 for 7.00
Sweeps (on sale from 6.15)
Best Dressed and Trivia Prizes
The cost for the night is $30.00pp.
For those who use electronic banking if you could pay prior to the night it would be greatly appreciated.
Our bank details are Rotary WPH & Cherrybrook General Account: BSB 062 890 : Account 1005 2963
Please reference your payment with “Surname and Cup”
Best Dressed and Trivia Prizes
The cost for the night is $30.00pp.
For those who use electronic banking if you could pay prior to the night it would be greatly appreciated.
Our bank details are Rotary WPH & Cherrybrook General Account: BSB 062 890 : Account 1005 2963
Please reference your payment with “Surname and Cup”
"The Wizard of Oz" by SYMT
"Lightbox" is "On"
“The Wizard of Oz” presented by SYMT (Sydney Youth Musical Theatre) at Hornsby RLS Club, Friday 24th November.
Last November we had about 20 attend “Beauty and the Beast” with the vast majority having dinner in the club’s bistro and we’re proposing a similar approach this year.
(SYMT has two age limits for their shows being 18 for the November show and 25 for the July show which we have been supporting for about four years)
With the show at 7.30 say 6.00 for dinner to secure seating.
If you would like to attend please transfer $37.00 or alternatively $32.00 concession eg senior (show only) to our club’s General Account: BSB 062 890 : Account 1005 2963 and identify your payment with your surname and SYMT.
As we need to be reasonably quick to secure good seats we have set a closing date of Friday 27th October.
Rather than have separate attendance sheets on each table we will have one (on clipboard) on the “front desk” for the next few weeks.
Regards Max
Last November we had about 20 attend “Beauty and the Beast” with the vast majority having dinner in the club’s bistro and we’re proposing a similar approach this year.
(SYMT has two age limits for their shows being 18 for the November show and 25 for the July show which we have been supporting for about four years)
With the show at 7.30 say 6.00 for dinner to secure seating.
If you would like to attend please transfer $37.00 or alternatively $32.00 concession eg senior (show only) to our club’s General Account: BSB 062 890 : Account 1005 2963 and identify your payment with your surname and SYMT.
As we need to be reasonably quick to secure good seats we have set a closing date of Friday 27th October.
Rather than have separate attendance sheets on each table we will have one (on clipboard) on the “front desk” for the next few weeks.
Regards Max
2018 Rotary District Conference
Saturday 10 - Sunday 11 March 2018
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REGISTER FOR THE 2018 DISTRICT CONFERENCE BY 30 NOVEMBER FOR EARLY BIRD DISCOUNT!
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Tony Makin is coordinating the Club's attendees for the Conference.
Rotary Friendship Exchange RID9685-RID3232
Dear President Colin
In the recent e-news you would have seen the article from our District Governor Peter Ward in regard to the ROTARY FRIENDSHIP EXCHANGE between our district and District 3232 from Chennai South India between 16th-19th of November.
The Rotary Club of The Hills-Kellyville is hosting a dinner for the visiting RFE Team on behalf of our district at the Pennant Hills Golf Club of Friday 17th of November. I request your support to make this event a memorable one for the visiting Rotarians. Can I please request your presence along with as many of your club members at this dinner? The flyer is attached to the email.
We have a Facebook event page – click here
Clubs from District 3232 are interested in engaging with clubs in our district to establish sister club arrangements. We have been provided with a list of 23 clubs which I have attached to this email for your consideration. PDG Barry Philps will be able to answer any questions in regard to Sister / Twin Club arrangements.
If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to contact me or Jim Sifonios.
We hope to have your support and join us in welcoming the DG Srinivasan and members of District 3232 at this dinner.
Thank you
Yours in Rotary
Haran Ramachandran
In the recent e-news you would have seen the article from our District Governor Peter Ward in regard to the ROTARY FRIENDSHIP EXCHANGE between our district and District 3232 from Chennai South India between 16th-19th of November.
The Rotary Club of The Hills-Kellyville is hosting a dinner for the visiting RFE Team on behalf of our district at the Pennant Hills Golf Club of Friday 17th of November. I request your support to make this event a memorable one for the visiting Rotarians. Can I please request your presence along with as many of your club members at this dinner? The flyer is attached to the email.
We have a Facebook event page – click here
Clubs from District 3232 are interested in engaging with clubs in our district to establish sister club arrangements. We have been provided with a list of 23 clubs which I have attached to this email for your consideration. PDG Barry Philps will be able to answer any questions in regard to Sister / Twin Club arrangements.
If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to contact me or Jim Sifonios.
We hope to have your support and join us in welcoming the DG Srinivasan and members of District 3232 at this dinner.
Thank you
Yours in Rotary
Haran Ramachandran
A Note from Anna Papoutsakis
There is a feeling like no other in being able to help someone less fortunate than yourself. Receiving a letter from Ly yesterday put that into a teary perspective. We have managed to turn her life around thanks to #donations to #missionnampossible. Her letter is translated below:
Dear Anna,
Firstly I, as well as my whole family, would like to send deep thanks and gratitude to you and your organisation, Anna. In 2014, after my dad was having a serious illness then passed away, my family fell into an extremely difficult situation. My mom, my three siblings and me had to cope with an uncertain future without having a clear idea of which direction we should take. Then I had to quit going to school in order to earn more money to support my mom and my siblings to continue at school. However, surprisingly, it was your grateful assistance that incredibly brought us back to life. Thanks to your consistent support, we are now having a safe and nourishing place to live as well as a cow to breed. Also, we had a wonderful and meaningful summer holiday that we visited places we had never been before. As the new year of school is coming, my siblings are more than happy to have books, clothes and a new set of school stationery. For me, I am now having your school fee support to study at college for a brighter future. I feel so happy and moving to receive your responsive care and assistance. Recently, I have got an offer from Quang Nam School of Public Health. However, as we are all starting a new semester, it is now my mom to take over the responsibility to manage the living expenditure and the school fee. Since I am too worried for my mom’s health, I have decided to work part time at some stores after school hours. In order to show our appreciation of what you have done for us, we promise to pursue and gain achievements at studying. I will overcome every obstacle to build a good future for all of us. From the very bottom of our hearts, my whole family is writing this down to send to you a very deep thanks to all the work you have done. I wish you and your family members good health, good luck and happiness in your life. I also hope that you and your organisation could bring more hope and belief to children like me and to families like mine. Sincerely, On behalf my whole family Nguyen Thi Truc Ly |
Top Five Reasons to End Trachoma
Top 5 Reasons to support EndTrachoma by 2020
Clubs around Australia support many worthwhile charities and projects. But EndTrachoma by 2020 is something particularly special for Rotary Australia.
Learn More >>
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Close the page and come back to here.
October is Rotary Foundation Month
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The Rotary Foundation transforms your gifts into service projects that change lives both close to home and
around the world. |
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During the past 100 years, the Foundation has spent $3 billion on life-changing, sustainable projects.
With your help, we can make lives better in your community and around the world. Why should I donate to The Rotary Foundation?
Your donation makes a difference to those who need our help most. More than 90 percent of donations go directly to supporting our service projects around the world. How does The Rotary Foundation use donations? Our 35,000 clubs carry out sustainable service projects that support our six causes. With donations like yours, we’ve wiped out 99.9 percent of all polio cases. Your donation also trains future peacemakers, supports clean water, and strengthens local economies. What impact can one donation have? It can save a life. A child can be protected from polio with as little as 60 cents. Our partners make your donation go even further. For every $1 Rotary commits to polio eradication, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation has committed $2. |
EXPLORE OUR CAUSES
Note: Clicking on each photo will link to a new website each in a new window. Closing these windows will allow a return to this site.
Wanted - New Members
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We are experiencing another drought with respect to prospective new members.
If you know of someone who would benefit from Rotary, or, from whom Rotary would benefit if they were a member, then contact Keith. Click here for a PDF copy of the form to the right, and send or give it to Keith.
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Significant Club fundraising events during the year
The Book Sale March 2017. As the result of a lot of hard work the April Book Sale was a great success, especially from the organisers Max Henderson, Andrew Little and Clive Denmark. Funds raised were circa $13,000. Well done.
2017 Trivia Night
The Club held a very successful trivia night on Saturday 26 August 20167at the Cherrybrook Community Centre, raising just over $5,000 towards the charities we support.
The Club held a very successful trivia night on Saturday 26 August 20167at the Cherrybrook Community Centre, raising just over $5,000 towards the charities we support.
The Garage Sale
We have just had our best and most successful Garage Sale on the weekend of 7&8 October raising a record gross - north of $35k.
Excellent Project Management and a large number of dedicated volunteers, some putting in hours of effort, in the weeks before the weekend contributed to this result.
We have just had our best and most successful Garage Sale on the weekend of 7&8 October raising a record gross - north of $35k.
Excellent Project Management and a large number of dedicated volunteers, some putting in hours of effort, in the weeks before the weekend contributed to this result.
Barbecues
The club runs fund raising barbecues throughout the year, mainly at Bunnings (both Dural and Thornleigh) Here are Barry, Tony, Nick and David hard at work. at Thornleigh..
The club runs fund raising barbecues throughout the year, mainly at Bunnings (both Dural and Thornleigh) Here are Barry, Tony, Nick and David hard at work. at Thornleigh..
Meetings
Monday 6:30pm for 7:00pm - Springfield House - 245 New Line Road, Dural 2158
Apologies
If you are unable to attend or are bringing a guest (even if they are your partner) you must notify Jilda.
Phone 8484 7106 or email jilda.coles@wge.com.au before 11am on the day of the meeting.
Phone 8484 7106 or email jilda.coles@wge.com.au before 11am on the day of the meeting.
If you are expected and do not show you will be required to pay for the meal.
President's Report
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It was another awesome meeting this evening. Thank you to everyone that attended. Also, thank you for all the well-wishes for my 50th birthday! Howard’s talk about his and Megan’s trip to Antartica was very interesting! Thank you, Howard.
Business Items
Bruce's Funny Story Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night. 'You'll get your chance in court,' the desk Sergeant Kelly told him. 'I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,' pleaded Bruce. 'I've been trying to do that for years.' Next week Colin will be back. Remember early bird Registrations for the District Conference close at the end of November. Charlie McCartney |
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Night Report
The meeting started with Alan Paynter leading the Rotary Grace and David Turnbull proposing the toast to Australia, Rotary and Rotary friends.
President Colin Sharp is currently on holiday back in NZ, so President-Elect Charlie McCartney stepped into the chair for the evening and welcomed members and partners present, as well as Howard Fleming and his partner Megan who joined the meeting as guest speakers to talk about their Antarctic travels.
Charlie advised of several business matters and I advise that you read her report.
Director’s Reports:
Vocational – John T reported on Barry Freeman’s behalf that the next vocational visit is scheduled for Tuesday 21 November (i.e. in lieu of meeting on Monday 20/11/2017) and will be a visit to Baulkham Hills TAFE. Places are limited to 30 members and partners, so if interested in attending please transfer $32 per head ASAP.
Youth – Rosemary reported that the Club will be taking on a 15 year old Brazilian girl, named Larissa, as our exchange student in 2018. As a southern hemisphere student her exchange year will run from January-December 2018. Families hosting will be (in order of stay):Tchetchenian, Barrett, de Gabrielle and the Loves’ (club’s 2018 outbound student’s family). Rosemary will also be seeking the Club’s support in sponsoring 3 students from Marayong Public School to compete in the national athletics carnival in Adelaide. The three students are all from the same family and could use financial assistance to help cover the costs involved in registration, travel and accommodation. Next Youth Committee meeting is Wednesday 1 November 2017.
International – Tony Coote reported that Tony Makin, Peter Stanton and Joseph de Gabriele are off tonight visiting the Rotary Club of Epping, to hear about an international project in Timor-Leste. There may be potential for collaboration here, so we await their feedback.
Next Big Thing - Tony Coote advised that St Gabriel’s School Castle Hill was visited recently as a potential project for the Next Big Thing. To this end, two speakers from the school will be the Club’s guest speakers next Monday night at which time they can provide more details on the school, its students and their special needs.
Membership – Keith reported that there are currently few expressions of interest from new members to join the club, and we need to work to turn this around. Maria, the potential new member who attended last week’s meeting, has decided not to join; Angela Voon and husband Peter, who Janelle met at the Garage Sale, are still interested, but currently unable to attend a meeting (Janelle to stay in touch to establish possible date); possibly another person who is currently based overseas.
Social – Max advised that Fellowship Dinners would be starting soon, with the first round in November and the second round in late March-early April 2018. More details to follow. A combined Melbourne Cup night in conjunction with the Glenhaven Club will be held at Springfield on Monday 6 November 2018. This will be a partners night and should see around 90-100 in attendance. There will be sweeps, trivia and a best dressed competition. Cost is $30 per head made payable to the General account (please identify your payment with surname and Cup). Max also advised that the Committee is hoping to get a group organised to attend the next SYMT production - ‘The Wizard of Oz’. This production is on 24 November at Hornsby RSL. Cost is $37 per head or $32 per head for seniors, with payment required to be paid into the Club’s General account by the end of the week. Please contact Max directly for more information.
Community Services – Cawas let members know that there is a seniors BBQ coming up at the Anglican Retirement Village that the Club has been asked to participate in together with Mirvac (Cherrybrook Shopping Village). It is scheduled for Monday 30/10/2017 during the day from 11.45am-2.00pm. Cawas sought and received support from John T, Bernard and Bob; Cawas will send through more details to the three volunteers. Nick advised that the Club will again be involved with the Tree of Joy at Cherrybrook Village this Christmas. Baubles have just been received, so activity here will pick up in the next few weeks – stay tuned!
Bunnings BBQs – Janelle reported on the Bunnings BBQ at Dural on Sunday 22 October 2017. This was a productive day with total profit (less expenses) coming in at $757.56. She thanked those members who helped out on the day, namely: David Tony Coote, Teresa, Angelo, Keith, Andrew, Bob, Colin McGowan and Peter Stanton. The next BBQ is Saturday 2 December 2017 at Dural and extra volunteers are needed. Thereafter the 2018 BBQ calendar kicks off in February with a BBQ on Sunday 4 February at Bunnings Thornleigh.
Directors Positions for 2018-19 – Charlie advised that she is hoping to firm up her leadership team for the 2018-19 term, with the positions of Vocational, Youth and Marketing Directors becoming vacant. She asked members to consider these roles and get back to her if they are interested in joining the Board.
Birthday Wishes: At this point Robert McCartney appeared with a spectacular birthday cake for his beautiful wife, who in addition to acting as Chair for the evening, was also celebrating a milestone birthday. The club joined in the celebrations and wished Charlie best wishes for her special day!
Guest Speaker: Colin McGowan introduced tonight’s guest speaker, Howard Fleming and his partner Megan. As a Foundation Club member and Past President, Howard needed little introduction, and he slipped seamlessly into his talk tonight on the Antarctic expedition he and Megan undertook in February 2015. He and Megan spent 10 days exploring this area on board the luxury cruise ship the Le Boreal. While Megan did attest to being a little seasick (this is an understatement!) the cruise liner was luxurious and offered great services including full access to the bridge, which Howard relished. Howard showed a DVD which highlighted the beauty of this pristine wilderness environment complete with herds of great southern whales, seals, and penguins, as well as rugged and challenging terrain. Howard and Megan encouraged all members to embark on a similar journey to this remote but enticing part of the world.
Ricardo, ably assisted by Miss Megan McCartney, continued the proceedings with his usual flair in wrangling funds out of member’s pockets in his fines session. The night’s raffle winner was Jim, while Heads and Tails was won by Margaret McGowan.
Channelling Colin Sharp, Charlie ended with a joke – just not a New Zealand one!! She advised Colin will be back in the Chair next week and she asked the Stewards to remember to pack up, so that it’s not left to the President to do.
Night Reporter: Janelle
President Colin Sharp is currently on holiday back in NZ, so President-Elect Charlie McCartney stepped into the chair for the evening and welcomed members and partners present, as well as Howard Fleming and his partner Megan who joined the meeting as guest speakers to talk about their Antarctic travels.
Charlie advised of several business matters and I advise that you read her report.
Director’s Reports:
Vocational – John T reported on Barry Freeman’s behalf that the next vocational visit is scheduled for Tuesday 21 November (i.e. in lieu of meeting on Monday 20/11/2017) and will be a visit to Baulkham Hills TAFE. Places are limited to 30 members and partners, so if interested in attending please transfer $32 per head ASAP.
Youth – Rosemary reported that the Club will be taking on a 15 year old Brazilian girl, named Larissa, as our exchange student in 2018. As a southern hemisphere student her exchange year will run from January-December 2018. Families hosting will be (in order of stay):Tchetchenian, Barrett, de Gabrielle and the Loves’ (club’s 2018 outbound student’s family). Rosemary will also be seeking the Club’s support in sponsoring 3 students from Marayong Public School to compete in the national athletics carnival in Adelaide. The three students are all from the same family and could use financial assistance to help cover the costs involved in registration, travel and accommodation. Next Youth Committee meeting is Wednesday 1 November 2017.
International – Tony Coote reported that Tony Makin, Peter Stanton and Joseph de Gabriele are off tonight visiting the Rotary Club of Epping, to hear about an international project in Timor-Leste. There may be potential for collaboration here, so we await their feedback.
Next Big Thing - Tony Coote advised that St Gabriel’s School Castle Hill was visited recently as a potential project for the Next Big Thing. To this end, two speakers from the school will be the Club’s guest speakers next Monday night at which time they can provide more details on the school, its students and their special needs.
Membership – Keith reported that there are currently few expressions of interest from new members to join the club, and we need to work to turn this around. Maria, the potential new member who attended last week’s meeting, has decided not to join; Angela Voon and husband Peter, who Janelle met at the Garage Sale, are still interested, but currently unable to attend a meeting (Janelle to stay in touch to establish possible date); possibly another person who is currently based overseas.
Social – Max advised that Fellowship Dinners would be starting soon, with the first round in November and the second round in late March-early April 2018. More details to follow. A combined Melbourne Cup night in conjunction with the Glenhaven Club will be held at Springfield on Monday 6 November 2018. This will be a partners night and should see around 90-100 in attendance. There will be sweeps, trivia and a best dressed competition. Cost is $30 per head made payable to the General account (please identify your payment with surname and Cup). Max also advised that the Committee is hoping to get a group organised to attend the next SYMT production - ‘The Wizard of Oz’. This production is on 24 November at Hornsby RSL. Cost is $37 per head or $32 per head for seniors, with payment required to be paid into the Club’s General account by the end of the week. Please contact Max directly for more information.
Community Services – Cawas let members know that there is a seniors BBQ coming up at the Anglican Retirement Village that the Club has been asked to participate in together with Mirvac (Cherrybrook Shopping Village). It is scheduled for Monday 30/10/2017 during the day from 11.45am-2.00pm. Cawas sought and received support from John T, Bernard and Bob; Cawas will send through more details to the three volunteers. Nick advised that the Club will again be involved with the Tree of Joy at Cherrybrook Village this Christmas. Baubles have just been received, so activity here will pick up in the next few weeks – stay tuned!
Bunnings BBQs – Janelle reported on the Bunnings BBQ at Dural on Sunday 22 October 2017. This was a productive day with total profit (less expenses) coming in at $757.56. She thanked those members who helped out on the day, namely: David Tony Coote, Teresa, Angelo, Keith, Andrew, Bob, Colin McGowan and Peter Stanton. The next BBQ is Saturday 2 December 2017 at Dural and extra volunteers are needed. Thereafter the 2018 BBQ calendar kicks off in February with a BBQ on Sunday 4 February at Bunnings Thornleigh.
Directors Positions for 2018-19 – Charlie advised that she is hoping to firm up her leadership team for the 2018-19 term, with the positions of Vocational, Youth and Marketing Directors becoming vacant. She asked members to consider these roles and get back to her if they are interested in joining the Board.
Birthday Wishes: At this point Robert McCartney appeared with a spectacular birthday cake for his beautiful wife, who in addition to acting as Chair for the evening, was also celebrating a milestone birthday. The club joined in the celebrations and wished Charlie best wishes for her special day!
Guest Speaker: Colin McGowan introduced tonight’s guest speaker, Howard Fleming and his partner Megan. As a Foundation Club member and Past President, Howard needed little introduction, and he slipped seamlessly into his talk tonight on the Antarctic expedition he and Megan undertook in February 2015. He and Megan spent 10 days exploring this area on board the luxury cruise ship the Le Boreal. While Megan did attest to being a little seasick (this is an understatement!) the cruise liner was luxurious and offered great services including full access to the bridge, which Howard relished. Howard showed a DVD which highlighted the beauty of this pristine wilderness environment complete with herds of great southern whales, seals, and penguins, as well as rugged and challenging terrain. Howard and Megan encouraged all members to embark on a similar journey to this remote but enticing part of the world.
Ricardo, ably assisted by Miss Megan McCartney, continued the proceedings with his usual flair in wrangling funds out of member’s pockets in his fines session. The night’s raffle winner was Jim, while Heads and Tails was won by Margaret McGowan.
Channelling Colin Sharp, Charlie ended with a joke – just not a New Zealand one!! She advised Colin will be back in the Chair next week and she asked the Stewards to remember to pack up, so that it’s not left to the President to do.
Night Reporter: Janelle
Night Photos
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This Week's Humour
Retirement, defined
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I Like Retirement !
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal. Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. And, my very favorite.... QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest. |
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!
Stan
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!
Stan
Playing On Words
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death!
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked NRMA van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ..
"Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ..
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was counting all the 5cs and 10cs out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dropouts saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin' thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
Stan
Talk about Dyson with death!
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked NRMA van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ..
"Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ..
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was counting all the 5cs and 10cs out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dropouts saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin' thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
Stan
Biblical Humour - this week the first of three editions
Thumbnails hidden - there are 9 slides
Thumbnails hidden - there are 9 slides
Stan
Joke Bank content is 6 jokes.
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Bulletin Editor - Keith Ball